He loves me. He loves me not.
Celebrating birthdays is the acknowledgement that I’ve been chosen, once again, to do my best at navigating this complex gift of life. When I consider the challenges, gifts, and “what the fuck’s” last year brought; the only reasonable explanation for me getting a do-over is ‘Gods love for me is immeasurable, and He wants me to live an abundant life.’ Perhaps He finds intrigue, joy, and entertainment in overseeing how I work to uncover His purpose for me. Nonetheless, I celebrate this 38th year feeling grounded in my assertion that God DOES love me. His immeasurable love for me was revealed through trial, discomfort, and pain. I am blessed to have arrived at four lessons, I treasure them and feel a sense of freedom through their realization.
Lesson 1: Abundance Defeats Scarcity
I thought I was living an abundant life. I had the house, white picket fence, two children, even a dog! Yet I felt lonely, empty, overwhelmingly sad, and insignificant. There is no perfect avatar for abundance. We create abundance by living authentically, and ensuring the life we live is an edification of the divinity that lives in our souls. In a quest for an abundant life I realized I was living safely, which is a byproduct of scarcity. Living safely didn’t feed my soul, so I made difficult, terrifying, and painful decisions in an effort to seek the life I deeply believe God created me . In the vortex of emotions and consequences hard decisions bring, somewhere between believing God was serving me with Old Testament revenge, and outright disdain. I was stripped of everything safe – my career, marriage, and home. All I had left was trust in God. Little did I know that was all God wanted me to do – trust Him. God knows me and He knows the blueprint He charted for my life. He wanted me to seek greater purpose, grounded in my revelation of His immeasurable love for me, and deep desire for me to live abundantly. I learned that when we allow ourselves to escape safety, and seek abundance, you beget abundance.
Lesson 2: Always Bet on Black
Human’s do a crappy job of realizing their power, especially womxn humans. I’m not encouraging egomaniacal self-inflation, because that results in immense sadness and inauthenticity. I’m challenging myself and you to always bet on black. We possess a unique set of talents, that are often untapped out of fear of being accountable for our genius. I had to become intimate with my genius, and that intimacy challenges me to practice chronic self accountability. I used investing in other stuff as a crutch, and I made it look good! I worked for large companies, contributing to their success; lead community organizations, contributing to their success; managed my family and household, contributing to their success. Yet I felt empty because I hadn’t made deposits into my personal happiness and fulfillment. With each external deposit made, always bet on black. Just as you sow into playing a supporting and managing role for others, sow into what fulfills, challenges, and contributes to your personal happiness.
Lesson 3: Insulation keeps you warm
Safety is a deficiency need evoked by deprivation, once we fulfill this need we can then move towards self-actualization. Safety allows us to grow and reach our highest level of self. I learned to share the intimate parts of my life with people that would provide me insulation. I needed to feel safe, protected, and loved without conditionality. For so long I wasn’t safe to feel, and I desperately wanted to feel again. I sought to be vulnerable, and through vulnerability I became stronger. I fell into the soft, warm insulation of relationships that could and would protect me. Owning that not everyone has the capability of playing a protective role in my life. I chose to insulate myself from those unable to play the role I needed them to. While still struggling with the challenge of forgiving human incapabilities, I’ve learned to focus on what I need to be OK, as opposed to making others feel OK. And that’s OK.
Lesson 4: He Loves Me
God loves me.